I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
