if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
