she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Someone stole a lamp last night.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
