Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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