you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My life is pants optional.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
