My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
