if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
so much tequila, so little girl.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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