So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
