I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
