I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
