I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
