How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
