I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
