This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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