You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
