I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
