I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
