Your dad touched me again.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
