you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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