So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
