sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
