it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
