My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
