Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
