I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
