If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
