Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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