i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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