life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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