Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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