god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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