if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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