Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
