I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
