how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
