When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
