we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
