this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
