So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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