my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
