I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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