We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
