Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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