how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
soo... how was my night?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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