mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
