he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
