sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
