I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
