I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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