y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
